Finished.

That's it. I'm done.

I can't do this anymore.. It just doesn't feel right anymore.

I'm sick all the time - always.

Everything feels messed up and no matter how hard i try to keep everyone around me out of my pain, they seek to help and it's just hurting everyone...

I don't want to feel the pain anymore - it used to remind me why i fight - but now I'm almost so used to it that I don't even feel it. I suppress it inside and only see a glimmer of it before it's hidden.

I don't want anyone to be around when it ruptures and explodes from within me... Those I love the most are the one's who are in most danger - last time it just 'leaked' a little.. I managed to hold it in until i was alone and take it out on myself... But that doesn't work when the anger doesn't even reach you anymore.

There's just this part of me.. this thing inside me that's taunting me. I have gone through what seems so much pain that i don't even feel it anymore - i just see it inside me before it gets tucked away... I don't know how long it's all going to hold there. Once, when it leaked just a little i managed to hold it in until i was alone before i hurt anyone - then it was only myself i could harm and i still have the scars to prove it. Knowing how angry and sickeningly painful and all those emotions will become I'm finding it harder and harder to see things in a positive way... It scares me - I scare myself. I don't even know what I'm on about anymore. I don't even know why I do this - blogging.

Tired but Happy

That's just it! I'm still sick.. I'm EXHAUSTED.. but i'm somewhat happy within.

My friends have been so amazingly supportive, I don't know what I'd do without them...
I've been from staying in bed all day every day for a week, to being out everyday all day this week seeing my friends - and that special someone. ;)

They have all made me feel like life is worth living, at least for now. I've got my feet on a wobbly ground - but at least I found one right?

Darn.. mum wants my help again - got to go :( finish this later.

Sand

...I haven't posted anything in a while now.
There's been so much going on that I just got to the stage of doing nothing - because doing anything made me angry or upset.
Can't handle much at the moment.. feels stupid aye.
I have an ear infection and a fever - seems I'm managing to keep up my streak of being sick for the year too.
Friends seem to disappear by the day too... I feel like they are just falling through my fingers like sand and disappearing, even though they're still there... they just don't really feel like it.
I have no idea what to say except that I'm miserable and I don't care about anything at the moment... whatever I seem to put my heart into seems to become impossible to do or get near... so maybe I just need to stop and walk away.. let myself be the sand that's just falling through their fingers.