Understanding is Misunderstood.

Why don't I just GIVE UP. For crying out loud this is just stupid... I'm slowly killing myself anyway - and I find myself saying more and more frequently: "I just can't take much more of this..."

Well I can't. I'm just sitting here, staring at this stupid screen and wondering what the hell comes next. This WAS a place where I didn't have to worry about what I wrote or how I felt, and I guess I still write like it is... I do not write the way I used to, and I miss it - my poetic, simple but true to my emotions type of writing turned to this mess of my mind.

It's times like now I feel utterly alone and miserable... I need someone's shoulder to cry on type of mood I suppose but still pushing everyone away, even though I never really cry anyway. So what - I really don't care anymore? Nah, of course I do... The problem lies therein that I just cannot. There is too much to wrap my head around and too many different pains inside of me to deal with anymore...

I wrote that top half about an hour ago, and a friend randomly spoke to me before I could continue... If anything they reminded me that I am not alone, and that others have gone through similar pains... It's not about whether others feel pain, but more if they can come to UNDERSTAND each other and respect the hurts and be there for one another... This lesson... I already knew it but everyone needs to hear it everyday - understanding is something that is nearly always misunderstood.

...Feeling lost and alone, it's mainly caused by misunderstanding and having no one there that could even just help you through it. Who knows what the hell I'll do next... At least I can give trying to understand a shot and see where it takes me...

Sighs and Currents

*sighs a long tired sigh* ...I am sick of fighting. Life is like the ebbs and flows of the ocean currents - the tugs and pulls in all directions that do tend to have a natural path you do not see at first. For me, I wonder if I may ever actually find that path, or just the tugs and pulls and whispers of the oceans currents.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning out here - where's here? It's just a place, and I'm just numb. There's only one place I really want to be and I cannot... Even when I get to it doesn't seem to help =/ What the hell is wrong with me? Why isn't there some sort of diagnosis or SOMETHING? No one seems to really care - those I mean, that could do something about it: I.E. My doctor. She just says see a school councilor and rest. The school councilor (was my last option and sometimes it actually helps) tells me to sleep more and try not to help so many people...

I feel like with each sigh a little more life drains out of me as I sink deeper and deeper... Deciding whether I should let out my last breath and have a sense of peace, or to endure the many pains that tug and pull me through ocean currents that have a destination of their own that I cannot see... This is a dark place, and the only lights seem to be fading and flickering away... One by one... =( I do not like to be like this... relaxing and just letting these tugs and pulls take me where they will wouldn't work either...

So right now, it's just sighs and currents.

Survival?

Life's a F*** hole. But you have to make the most of it, right?
It's ironic that I almost completely know how to fix things to a point where life's "livable" but I can't be f***ed doing so... Because every time I get up and make a stand I'm pushed down again... I think I've mentioned this twice before by now but it's happened many more times than this.

I don't really know what else to do... I'm not saying I'm giving up - I've come to far to turn back now... It's just like the song lyrics below "Fight Inside" in my previous post... Any answers out there? Guess not aye... I just dunno which path to take because going up only brings me back down... but I've been to the bottom and I'm not going back. I want to fight, I want to shine, I want to rise... but everyone keeps taking that dare to "Break Me Down" so... I keep falling - maybe a little less each time but... It's time's like this where I could slice right through my skin and still not care. I'm more likely to say "bring it on" and do it again then regret it... Until the consequences occur when this "phase" is gone.

Why I'm so honest here in such a public place I do not know... I mean everyone has their own hell that they go through and everyone's "fall to the bottom" is different - on top of that everyone handles things differently... Maybe we're all looking for something we can't understand until it's found... if so, maybe that's why I write this - on the other hand I place myself in utter jeopardy at the same time... *shrugs* I had to let it out somewhere... and when you don't want the friends you trust the most who threaten you with mental homes getting frantic or those you love getting terrified at the idea of you just disappearing for a while and being free of everything... This is the one place I can go as just writing things down works, this works better.

Any comments I am glad to hear... would be interesting to know if anyone actually read this darn thing - but at least it helps calm the storms that rage inside of me always...

Guitar and Such..

...Just thought I'd comment - guitar helps... playing something that can both soothe and let out emotion can be very comforting... If i was allowed I'd own a drum kit but it's impossible at this stage for me to have one... So I got a guitar instead.

Sure I don't know much but you can find tabs or chords online and even lessons on you-tube if you want. It's frustrating when you can't play anything - but with patience you get better and it's good to take your mind off things. Pick a song you like that has acoustic guitar in it - and for those who may be ahead of me, even an electric guitar.

Soon enough I'll buy my own steel string guitar, then an electric OR a drum kit - depends where I'm at... but at the moment I'm happy with my nylon string guitar and the internet. Just wish I had a place my myself where I could play aye...

I finished grade 11!! Finally! Well... that's that out of the way - one year left. Year 12. This year besides my classes I hope to learn enough at the guitar that I can play a tune or two for my own songs and lyrics... We'll see ;)

Break Me Down - I dare you.

This song is just amazing, so I wanted to share it... It gives both hope and expresses pain...

"Break Me Down"

A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes

I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]

Break me!

"I want to fight, I want to shine, I want to rise, Break Me Down." Take your best shot.

Fight Inside

...I guess it's been a long while since I posted anything here, but I figured no one read it anyway so it wouldn't really matter. I suppose if anyone does read this I should give them hope and not be so depressing but this is a place where I express myself and how I feel... Right now this song comes pretty close to how I feel and what I'm going through... So, here:

"Fight Inside"

[VERSE 1]
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end.
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again.

What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide.
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again.

[CHORUS 1]
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again.

[VERSE 2]
I'm still the same, pursuing pain.
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again.

[CHORUS 2]
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again.

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again.

[BRIDGE]
(It's nothing.) It's everything.
(It's nothing.) It's everything.
(It's nothing.) It's everything.
(It's nothing.) It's everything.

[CHORUS 2]

It's breaking me.
It's breaking me.

I'm falling apart.
I'm falling apart.

So yeah.. there you have it I guess. This band runs hand in hand with Skillet and Breaking Benjamin and their music nearly all seems to be relevant.