Selfish

I'm in that place again. The place where I'm self centred, and emotional, and depressed, and selfish, and rude and angry, and hurt, and crying. It's a stupid mood.

That place where I realise that each day, when I keep myseld so occupied by the day that I manage to ignore everything around me, I'm actually ignoring all the things that are stopping me getting better. Yet another day has gone by and I'm still stuck in this place. My mind a mess I don't understand, and another week of the same to go by. Keeping myself busy until I'm too tired to think. Watching shows, being online, doing anything to keep me busy, yet not getting anything done. Not moving forwards. Not getting anywhere. Not moving... I'm STILL stuck. And I hate that. I hate that about me so, so much.

The thing I hate about myself the most, is that I have no drive. I mean I DO! I have so much passion for the things I enjoy doing... but doing them? I have to FORCE myself to do even parts of what I really want to be doing.
I want to sing to my boyfriend. I want to draw my baby brother. I want to write and finish my first novel. I want to love, and not be emotionally blackmailed. I want to share who I am, and not be scared.

Yet these things are all blocked by this SHIT in my head! I don't even know what it is. It's just there. It's like a whole bunch of emotions I can't understand. I don't know what it feels like, but it makes me cry. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what it tastes like. I just end up in tears when I stop distracting myself long enough to think... and before I know it my thoughts are in a mess and I need someone. I need my boyfriend. If anyone is ok with knowing anything it's him. I need to talk to someone though. About everything, and try and work out all these feelings, and where they come from, what what about my life causes them...

I have been so angry and pissed off lately, and it turns on in mere seconds as a reaction to the smallest things. Most of the time I don't even understand it, I just know that I can NOT live like this much longer. I'm not coping. I need to deal with all of this, and talking to anyone that knows me isn't going to help. I need someone who knows how to help, that might understand, that won't judge, or tell on me, or hurt me. But I can't have that yet.

I just hope I can last long enough that I can get there. I go back and read all my posts and go "Wow, so many times I've ended on a positive... So many times I've had my say and felt ok, or at least back to a point where the emotions tuck away and I can move on again." Not this time... I can't do it. I'm no good alone. I can't look after myself yet. I'm weak, I'm broken, I'm lost, and I'm selfish.

It's been a while since I have been here. Since I have written. Since I have expressed myself... and even here it is not safe to expose all my inner demons and thoughts. Some of my friends may still check this - and that would be bad right now. If I were to expose those feelings. Those inner hurts. The things I need to deal with the most. They attack you in nibbles, pinches, and needles. They grow in numbers until you unravel peice by peice. So I will simply ap;oewrughpaewlrn.kjg haosriwuthkgba;wsoughbf;awe igdyv TLDSFI,.k ......................................OK so that wasn't a good idea as I almost closed the page... XD It says "voice my frustrations in jibberish!" Anyway. I am too tired to really express anything anymore... I've been sitting here doing nothing for 45 minutes. I keep thinking about all those things bothering me. The things I don't want to tell anyone incase I hurt them, or burden them. Maybe they would say I never learn and hug me. Maybe they wouldn't understand at all. Maybe they would laught it off... Who knows. Now I know the hurt is still there... but I am in a distant place. Away from all of that. Alone... in the empty dark place that only I know. It reminds me of that story I wrote... "The Silver Blade." I had one person call it beautiful, and another tell me to put it away and never show anyone again. If someone actually asked, I guess I would share it... Otherwise I don't really bring it up... but tonight... I guess I feel that way. I feel like a part of me is missing, that I cannot function without it. So I'm not really living... just struggling through until I get it back. I am so selfish. I could write forever, but I cannot. So for now, I'll keep pretending people read this... that somebody out there reads these and understands something of it. Something of me. Goodnight

Complaining Rant

( - get it out here to avoid it being to a person.)

i'm flat. just flat. meh. and cold to the point of numb. my body is saying "SLEEP PLEASE I BEG YOU" and my head says "TREASURE THE PEACE YOU CAN FIND AFTER EVERYONE'S ASLEEP!" thing is, i share a room with my sister, and tonight she's sick, so she's not well, and not sleeping....

I just feel like I need to cry. To curl up in a dark quiet place and be left alone. On the contrary I can picture a rather nice little pile of soft pillows with the warm sun shining down on them.... I'd love either. Really. As long as I could have some peace and quiet and time to myself. Here I am yet again, up late trying to find that quiet moment where the world seems to almost slide past leaving me just on the edge of it's river. Able to lie there.... for what purpose I don't know. Just space. Just that little bit where I can try not to worry about anything for a while.

I was told in my situation I am unable to be happy. I told that person, no. I can be happy. I have been. They told me it was fake. To please others. What a load of bull. But to a small degree, my happiness comes from helping, loving, and being happy with others... when I use too much energy, or I don't restock well enough, I burn out... I just need that space to myself and it's so fucking hard to find! ><

I miss my soul mate. My love. He's my everything... I want to be his everything. I really need his arms wrapped around me. I really need his warm touch against my icy skin... I really need him tonight. I haven't heard from him since about lunch time yesterday.. >< it may seem lame but, it hurts. Then I feel silly for being hurt because what should it matter? But it does. It hurts and I care about him so I worry. Is he okay? Does he miss me? Did he get the one millionth message saying 'I love you'? Will he sleep well? Will your goodnight message make him feel better? All these questions crowd my head uselessley causing my greif. How stupid! One day. No message. No 'I love you'... and it tips me over the edge huh? Well, I don't know why I can't control it - these feelings - but I know that if I don't just suck it up and get over it I'll never get to sleep.

All of a sudden the small thing that bothered me has become a big thing because of the fact I was already in this mood - it just needed some fuel on the fire. So to speak. It's windy as hell here. My hands are moving so slowly it's painful >< They're cold. My feet are numb. My neck and shoulders are stiff. I'm miserable.

This pain in my chest won't go away. It's telling me something's missing. I can't have it though. I have to wait. and wait. and wait. Sometimes I get it back... that other part of me... My love... Those times are the most relaxed, the most whole. But then we part again and it kills me every time. I love him so much. I want to be with him every moment of my life... Yet life - the real world doesn't accomodate just because you wish to be with who you love. Life says "GET THERE YOURSELF" and then has the nerve to make it as hard as possible. A slight exaggeration as my cold brain lacks the patience to think of a better line.

So this is just a rant. Me complaining about all the stuff that's too stupid to say to anyone. Me trying to calm down and go to sleep... Me... who's probably gonig to spend the next hour working out what to say to her love before she falls asleep... and hope that he knows she loves him. If on the very small chance he stumbled across this, maybe he'd know. ^^ That puts a half smile on my face... maybe he'd thing I was a soppy little silly girl who is too emotional >>; hahaha. Yeh nah. Maybe too clingy, or too in love.. but it's true. Or maybe he'd smile... and then kiss me gently and tell me I'm a goose, but that he loves me. ^^;

I have so much more to write... but my fingers are too cold. My brain too numb. My chest too sore... This ache hurts more >< I wasn't supposed to become more emotional - I was supposed to be calming down >>; I have work tomorrow, and I've not been sleeping well. Maybe I will write more often, and when I do, more deeply. Use this blog for it's purpose. To help me clear my head and get back up... well I didn't get back up... but it helped the pressure in my chest, and the emotions causing me so much turmoil.

I'll write again soon, I hope. I just need to go to bed and write that message so I might chance at sleep.

Read Me!

Well, I wanted to write an update. I know this place is only for my negative thoughts, and it seems to help... but when I go back and read what I've written, it's kinda depressing! True. Duh. Well, moving on.

A place for my negative thoughts. Shit happens in life. Like the HSC - the greatest metaphor I heard was that the HSC is a poo sandwich. You might not like it, but you still have to eat it, and so does everyone else (to whom it applies). Well. Life gives you shit, you just have to shovel through it and keep going. Life throws piles of it. Some is soft and easier to get through.. other times it's hard and unrelenting. (This is a rather disgusting metaphor, I know, but in truth, it's what it feels like when you're honest doesn't it...)

You have to take life for what it is. If you can't be positive, you at least need to accept it for what it is and make the most of it. What other way is there to live? PLENTY! Haha! But, this way works. You know it would. I know it should. Doing it on the other hand, isn't quite that easy... or is it? I've done it. I still do... but sometimes I slip and end up back here again... back in my depression hole, digging deeper and deeper until I feel like I never went anywhere. I put myself down. I see everything in a negative way. The world is against me all over again!

In the end though, you have to remember what is important to you. Why are you still here? Why live on? Because it's worth it. Every experience, whether good or bad, makes you who you are... For better or worse, you are who you are right now... and the first step to moving forwards is accepting that.

I think that's where I am. I am realising where I am at. REALLY at. Not the "oh woe me" or the "life is amazing"... but somewhere in there is me and all the shit I've been pushing away for years and years... and I'm going to start going through it. I'm going to start moving forwards. For MY life. For myself. But also for those I love, and those I hold closest to me.

So for those of you out there who this reaches I want you to hear me. Everyone's lives have different warm moments, and different hardships. Some may think their life is worse than others or vise versa; but in the end your life is your life, and your hard might be my easy, or my hell might be your worst nightmare... Take it for what it is, and accept it. Take a deep breath, smile a little, love, and simply make the most of what you have.


Now I feel like I'm being all phylosophical, but to be honest, I feel crap right now - So I'm writing this to myself as much as I am to others. Maybe now when I come back to read my blog, I won't need to post, because I'll read this and realise that I've already got the answer I need, right here. For a start anyways. :)

W.T.H.A.I?

I'm all dizzy on what? A 'splash' of brandy in milk. Tasted vile. Almost threw it up. Why'd I drink it? Because I wanted to feel better. Fuck that's a bad reason. I should have known that from last time. But someone told me it'd help me de-stress, so me, being the total idiot that I am, downed it as fast as I could handle. Had little to eat today. Couldn't find anything to eat - had some toast, cereal. Couldn't hold down much.

I'm scared. I'd never admit that but I can't be fucked not writing. I can't be fucked making a new blog that nobody reads. I guess I'm just counting on the fact that no one gives a shit to read this anyway.

My head feels like shit. I'm sure I'm going to throw up soon. I feel like dragging a knife across my skin. I feel like punching a wall in. Several of them. I feel like crying. I feel like none of this is me. I can see who I want to be, and it only makes me feel worse because I can't... I can't get there.

...disregard everything I said. I'm all dizzy. Probably tipsy. Not drunk. I just want to cry.. I want someone to hold me close and let my cry until I fall asleep, and stay with me.

This is my insecure inside. My broken soul. My shattered being... Who the hell am I!?

Help..?

Life seems dull... and blank.

It's so full that I shut it out.

Ironic much?

Yeah.

Check out this... Usually when I shut off I need to get something out... so I started writing. This is all I could write before I got a headache I still have. Take a look:

Cold and miserable, I curl into myself.
Alone, I want to be
I don’t want to be alone.
I stare at the small blade in my hand–
Even it is warmer than I.

...I don't even think it makes sense... but it scares me because it's been a long time since I fell back to... well... that. Any ideas? Any help?

I seem to be able to help anyone who comes my way out of their holes... out of their depression, pain, sadness... anything... but when it comes to myself - no matter how deep down I think I know something, I can never seem to look after myself. Oh get this - the few times I have put aside time for myself? Something goes wrong. I won't be there the one time that someone needs me... and things have gone wrong. One friend tried to kill herself on a drug overdose... she was lucky the doctors got to her in time. Another left all together. Another stabbed herself three times in the stomach but luckily she managed to live...

HOW can anyone expect me to put myself first when things like this happen when I am not there? Yet my health continues to decline... I need to go back to the doctors but I've got no one to take me... My blood test results are probably irrelevant now anyway.

I know everyone is... but I'm searching for an exit. Not death, just an exit... but you can't run from life. You can't run from your problems... They're with you until you face them and overcome them... so someone PLEASE help me know how? I know some things were meant to be done alone... It doesn't mean I don't need help... and it doesn't mean I'm not still falling.

Falling. Falling...? Strange metaphor to use... it's what it feels like. Life is slowly draining away... and leaving a soul buried deep under a lot of shadows... a lot of memories... a lot of pain, rage, and sadness. "Everything will be ok." "It'll all be alright one day." "Things will get better." people say these words over and over.... but if they knew what I was going through, I think maybe they'd rethink, and give a more honest answer... whatever that may be.

Got Your Back,

So, it's been a while... if anyone reads this, how many of you thought I was dead? Haha. Sometimes I wish... It might make things easier you know. You know what though... somehow, something always stops me - there's always something worth living for and if there's not then strive for something. If you can't find anything turn around and look behind you - there's friends, family, and God. They've all got your back. That's why I'm still here...

If what you were living for is now gone... chances are they're still right there with you by your side, just not in a physical form. Being positive about life, changes your life... You think positive enough, you stand a chance against any odds - as long as you can tell yourself you can do it, you can. There's a quote I once heard... "Whatever you think you can or cannot do, you're right."

I'm going through real hard times at the moment, with a friend in hospital, my mum with a fractured spine, daily life in chaos, me now physically sick from all the emotional stress, my HSC year at school... but through it all, I know I will be ok for two reasons: God is with me, and because I believe it. Now I know it doesn't always work... but each time I fall I get back up. If nothing else that is what my previous posts prove.

So here I am in 2010 thinking of how much I hate this year... when really, I AM getting better slowly, I AM moving forwards - I'm taking those steps one by one... and even when I slip, sometimes falling right back to the bottom, I just pray to God to help me LIVE my life.

Bless you all.