Complaining Rant

( - get it out here to avoid it being to a person.)

i'm flat. just flat. meh. and cold to the point of numb. my body is saying "SLEEP PLEASE I BEG YOU" and my head says "TREASURE THE PEACE YOU CAN FIND AFTER EVERYONE'S ASLEEP!" thing is, i share a room with my sister, and tonight she's sick, so she's not well, and not sleeping....

I just feel like I need to cry. To curl up in a dark quiet place and be left alone. On the contrary I can picture a rather nice little pile of soft pillows with the warm sun shining down on them.... I'd love either. Really. As long as I could have some peace and quiet and time to myself. Here I am yet again, up late trying to find that quiet moment where the world seems to almost slide past leaving me just on the edge of it's river. Able to lie there.... for what purpose I don't know. Just space. Just that little bit where I can try not to worry about anything for a while.

I was told in my situation I am unable to be happy. I told that person, no. I can be happy. I have been. They told me it was fake. To please others. What a load of bull. But to a small degree, my happiness comes from helping, loving, and being happy with others... when I use too much energy, or I don't restock well enough, I burn out... I just need that space to myself and it's so fucking hard to find! ><

I miss my soul mate. My love. He's my everything... I want to be his everything. I really need his arms wrapped around me. I really need his warm touch against my icy skin... I really need him tonight. I haven't heard from him since about lunch time yesterday.. >< it may seem lame but, it hurts. Then I feel silly for being hurt because what should it matter? But it does. It hurts and I care about him so I worry. Is he okay? Does he miss me? Did he get the one millionth message saying 'I love you'? Will he sleep well? Will your goodnight message make him feel better? All these questions crowd my head uselessley causing my greif. How stupid! One day. No message. No 'I love you'... and it tips me over the edge huh? Well, I don't know why I can't control it - these feelings - but I know that if I don't just suck it up and get over it I'll never get to sleep.

All of a sudden the small thing that bothered me has become a big thing because of the fact I was already in this mood - it just needed some fuel on the fire. So to speak. It's windy as hell here. My hands are moving so slowly it's painful >< They're cold. My feet are numb. My neck and shoulders are stiff. I'm miserable.

This pain in my chest won't go away. It's telling me something's missing. I can't have it though. I have to wait. and wait. and wait. Sometimes I get it back... that other part of me... My love... Those times are the most relaxed, the most whole. But then we part again and it kills me every time. I love him so much. I want to be with him every moment of my life... Yet life - the real world doesn't accomodate just because you wish to be with who you love. Life says "GET THERE YOURSELF" and then has the nerve to make it as hard as possible. A slight exaggeration as my cold brain lacks the patience to think of a better line.

So this is just a rant. Me complaining about all the stuff that's too stupid to say to anyone. Me trying to calm down and go to sleep... Me... who's probably gonig to spend the next hour working out what to say to her love before she falls asleep... and hope that he knows she loves him. If on the very small chance he stumbled across this, maybe he'd know. ^^ That puts a half smile on my face... maybe he'd thing I was a soppy little silly girl who is too emotional >>; hahaha. Yeh nah. Maybe too clingy, or too in love.. but it's true. Or maybe he'd smile... and then kiss me gently and tell me I'm a goose, but that he loves me. ^^;

I have so much more to write... but my fingers are too cold. My brain too numb. My chest too sore... This ache hurts more >< I wasn't supposed to become more emotional - I was supposed to be calming down >>; I have work tomorrow, and I've not been sleeping well. Maybe I will write more often, and when I do, more deeply. Use this blog for it's purpose. To help me clear my head and get back up... well I didn't get back up... but it helped the pressure in my chest, and the emotions causing me so much turmoil.

I'll write again soon, I hope. I just need to go to bed and write that message so I might chance at sleep.