Selfish

I'm in that place again. The place where I'm self centred, and emotional, and depressed, and selfish, and rude and angry, and hurt, and crying. It's a stupid mood.

That place where I realise that each day, when I keep myseld so occupied by the day that I manage to ignore everything around me, I'm actually ignoring all the things that are stopping me getting better. Yet another day has gone by and I'm still stuck in this place. My mind a mess I don't understand, and another week of the same to go by. Keeping myself busy until I'm too tired to think. Watching shows, being online, doing anything to keep me busy, yet not getting anything done. Not moving forwards. Not getting anywhere. Not moving... I'm STILL stuck. And I hate that. I hate that about me so, so much.

The thing I hate about myself the most, is that I have no drive. I mean I DO! I have so much passion for the things I enjoy doing... but doing them? I have to FORCE myself to do even parts of what I really want to be doing.
I want to sing to my boyfriend. I want to draw my baby brother. I want to write and finish my first novel. I want to love, and not be emotionally blackmailed. I want to share who I am, and not be scared.

Yet these things are all blocked by this SHIT in my head! I don't even know what it is. It's just there. It's like a whole bunch of emotions I can't understand. I don't know what it feels like, but it makes me cry. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what it tastes like. I just end up in tears when I stop distracting myself long enough to think... and before I know it my thoughts are in a mess and I need someone. I need my boyfriend. If anyone is ok with knowing anything it's him. I need to talk to someone though. About everything, and try and work out all these feelings, and where they come from, what what about my life causes them...

I have been so angry and pissed off lately, and it turns on in mere seconds as a reaction to the smallest things. Most of the time I don't even understand it, I just know that I can NOT live like this much longer. I'm not coping. I need to deal with all of this, and talking to anyone that knows me isn't going to help. I need someone who knows how to help, that might understand, that won't judge, or tell on me, or hurt me. But I can't have that yet.

I just hope I can last long enough that I can get there. I go back and read all my posts and go "Wow, so many times I've ended on a positive... So many times I've had my say and felt ok, or at least back to a point where the emotions tuck away and I can move on again." Not this time... I can't do it. I'm no good alone. I can't look after myself yet. I'm weak, I'm broken, I'm lost, and I'm selfish.

It's been a while since I have been here. Since I have written. Since I have expressed myself... and even here it is not safe to expose all my inner demons and thoughts. Some of my friends may still check this - and that would be bad right now. If I were to expose those feelings. Those inner hurts. The things I need to deal with the most. They attack you in nibbles, pinches, and needles. They grow in numbers until you unravel peice by peice. So I will simply ap;oewrughpaewlrn.kjg haosriwuthkgba;wsoughbf;awe igdyv TLDSFI,.k ......................................OK so that wasn't a good idea as I almost closed the page... XD It says "voice my frustrations in jibberish!" Anyway. I am too tired to really express anything anymore... I've been sitting here doing nothing for 45 minutes. I keep thinking about all those things bothering me. The things I don't want to tell anyone incase I hurt them, or burden them. Maybe they would say I never learn and hug me. Maybe they wouldn't understand at all. Maybe they would laught it off... Who knows. Now I know the hurt is still there... but I am in a distant place. Away from all of that. Alone... in the empty dark place that only I know. It reminds me of that story I wrote... "The Silver Blade." I had one person call it beautiful, and another tell me to put it away and never show anyone again. If someone actually asked, I guess I would share it... Otherwise I don't really bring it up... but tonight... I guess I feel that way. I feel like a part of me is missing, that I cannot function without it. So I'm not really living... just struggling through until I get it back. I am so selfish. I could write forever, but I cannot. So for now, I'll keep pretending people read this... that somebody out there reads these and understands something of it. Something of me. Goodnight