Selfish

I'm in that place again. The place where I'm self centred, and emotional, and depressed, and selfish, and rude and angry, and hurt, and crying. It's a stupid mood.

That place where I realise that each day, when I keep myseld so occupied by the day that I manage to ignore everything around me, I'm actually ignoring all the things that are stopping me getting better. Yet another day has gone by and I'm still stuck in this place. My mind a mess I don't understand, and another week of the same to go by. Keeping myself busy until I'm too tired to think. Watching shows, being online, doing anything to keep me busy, yet not getting anything done. Not moving forwards. Not getting anywhere. Not moving... I'm STILL stuck. And I hate that. I hate that about me so, so much.

The thing I hate about myself the most, is that I have no drive. I mean I DO! I have so much passion for the things I enjoy doing... but doing them? I have to FORCE myself to do even parts of what I really want to be doing.
I want to sing to my boyfriend. I want to draw my baby brother. I want to write and finish my first novel. I want to love, and not be emotionally blackmailed. I want to share who I am, and not be scared.

Yet these things are all blocked by this SHIT in my head! I don't even know what it is. It's just there. It's like a whole bunch of emotions I can't understand. I don't know what it feels like, but it makes me cry. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what it tastes like. I just end up in tears when I stop distracting myself long enough to think... and before I know it my thoughts are in a mess and I need someone. I need my boyfriend. If anyone is ok with knowing anything it's him. I need to talk to someone though. About everything, and try and work out all these feelings, and where they come from, what what about my life causes them...

I have been so angry and pissed off lately, and it turns on in mere seconds as a reaction to the smallest things. Most of the time I don't even understand it, I just know that I can NOT live like this much longer. I'm not coping. I need to deal with all of this, and talking to anyone that knows me isn't going to help. I need someone who knows how to help, that might understand, that won't judge, or tell on me, or hurt me. But I can't have that yet.

I just hope I can last long enough that I can get there. I go back and read all my posts and go "Wow, so many times I've ended on a positive... So many times I've had my say and felt ok, or at least back to a point where the emotions tuck away and I can move on again." Not this time... I can't do it. I'm no good alone. I can't look after myself yet. I'm weak, I'm broken, I'm lost, and I'm selfish.