"Go Away, you insensitive power driven Fkrs."

Just when I thought things were getting better. AGAIN.
You have no idea how hard it is to stand up and be strong when you keep getting pushed down.
I have been told that I have been through so much that I don't deserve any of this... but shit keeps happening to push me down, and I get back up... but each time it's harder to get up again, until I'm sitting here going "Why the hell should I get up?" because of those I love and care for. If nothing else, I want to be there for them.

They fired my dad. Been a long battle but I finally thought they would let him stay... He does so much good for our school. Our school is the only school out of 8 that i have been to that really cares about the students. It's like a huge family - my sister is going to her teachers wedding reception, some of my friends hang out on Saturdays with them... My dad? He changed so many kids lives for the better and now they go and fire him because they just don't like him. He turned the most difficult kids in to one's that love to be here.. he had so many great ideas he brought in to the school and made things so much better in every way he could.

My dad called me to tell me today, and the reason I was given: "They don't want me to teach there anymore.." and that's it! If you can fire someone just because you "don't like them" it's a childish and RIDICULOUSLY fuckin' stupid concept.

When I'm angry, I don't care what happens to me anymore. Right now I'm angry and I feel like going and killing those resonsible for doing something so self-centered and pig-headed. I know I won't because it would be stupid and other people in their power would just use it to hurt others... For the sake of those I love, I stay quiet and keep it all inside. For those I love, I live on.

I have nothing left to fight on besides that.. Faith in others - to love and care for them.
...So that's what I'll do I guess.

So true..

...that hit home. More or less..

The Last Night
~Skillet

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you, they don't know you at all
I'm
so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be
The last night away from me

[Bridge:]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on Tonight
Tonight

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be

[Altro:]
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

Coming Down - Skillet (Lyrics)

"Coming Down"
Things are coming down
Things are coming down I can tell you
Beautiful the sound
Of things coming 'cause I heard him say

Division is coming down
I saw peace on a white horse riding
Love is spreading around
The most contagious disease we've ever known

I will drink from the well of the One who gives me life
I will eat of the bread of the One sacrifice
I will breathe of the breath of the body of God
I will dive to the depths and raise a new man

Racism is coming down
Not from law but a change in perception
Revival's spreading around
I hear the sound of reapers already say

I will drink from the well of the One who gives me life
I will eat of the bread of the One sacrifice
I will breathe of the breath of the body of God
I will dive to the depths and raise a new man

Our knees are going down
To the One who brings far to my every bone
His Kingdom's reigning down
Who can stop the plans of the Lord I say

I will drink from the well of the One who gives me life
I will eat of the bread of the One sacrifice
I will breathe of the breath of the body of God
I will dive to the depths and raise a new man

This song.. really comforts me, in a way that I can sit here and know that Christ is taking care of me... and that even though times are tough and it is hard to get through each day, He's right here by my side and knocking on the door I only have to open and you know what? I'm keeping it open. =) He has given me friends, he has showed me so much love... How could I have ever doubted Him?

Stuff it.

You know what? I've had it. I can't take anymore. I know how terrible I will feel but I have had enough. I can't do it anymore... I want to leave school.

Sure, I want to pass my HSC. Sure I really want to go to Uni. I want to be a published author, and a proffessional photographer, a singer who writes my own songs too!

But how the hell am I going to cope with those if I can't cope with school... stupid F'n school.

I have nothing more to write... my mood changed and yeah I'm over it. Life's shit but i'll get through it somehow. I hope.

I Will Be Strong =)

(New International Version)
Ephesians 6: 10-20
The Armor of God

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Flat (or, My Wall.)

It's all flat. Calm as the sea after a huge storm... so flat you can see your own reflection like a perfect mirrored image. The wall stands firm and I lay flat... floating as an autumn leaf might - gently from the tree. I'm leaving home behind, in a mental sense, as I have been over the months, and finally I think I'm getting there... to the point that I can stand. To the point where I look down and see, that the ocean roaring around me - is not a storm, but silent and calm; and I am in control. But outside that wall that I have built is all those storms in one, and I know one day that my calm will break... and I could drown in all those memories. They are not forgotten as I stare out and remember them sometimes... occasionally I poke a hole in the wall, and let some pain back in. It's just to remind me not to fall. My wall is around me, it's clear and it's strong. It's all my strength - built from all those I love and nothing else. Sometimes people tear my wall apart... my bubble of protection. They catch me off guard in the blind spot I always miss - and one day that might even be my downfall... but today? Today, is flat. My boat stands still and I am quiet as I absorb in the little peace of mind I have managed to find today.

Wanting to Die? Waiting to Live...

Wanting to die, waiting to live. Finding the light but searching the dark. I look for the meanings but all I find is more pain - and what comes next? I only wish for the rain. The hurt, the sadness.. the sickness and the stress.. the nights of horrors and days of endless grey. Life seems depressing at first, but add in stress and you find another twist of pains, worry and conflicts. What about anxiety? Got that too.. that nervous tremor that goes through my whole body uncontrollably until I regain a calm stead. So I sit here shaking, tears that randomly spasm into life and then disappear again, and the thoughts in my head get more and more messed up as they chase each other around and around and around...

Life seems good.. I heal and get happier and then it all just disappears again and it leaves me wondering: Why am I still here? Why can't I get out of this fog to see the stars? What more do I have to learn before I can be free of this torment and pain!?

I am a Christian and I stay strong in my faith when I say that God is the only reason I am still here today. Sometimes I do wonder though what he has in store for me... I strive for those things I am good at but never seem to get anywhere... I am stuck in this hole with no hooks to grab or holds to find my footing on. There seems no way out yet so many wonderful people reach their hands down to help me out. Thing is that I can't put my hand up... The resistance in me keeps saying "NO! Don't give in you can do this yourself! You don't want to be happy anyway do you!"

Life seems unfair, but no one said it wouldn't be. Friends seem amazing - and my true friends really are! Love seems to hold me - and it's never letting go. But death, pain and sorrow? Try to rule me, but I just have to remember one thing: I am in Control.

Reasons and Conflicts

So, this is my first post. My reasons? Writing is my outlet... I don't want to hurt those close to me with them, so I figure: Why not make a blog after all this time, publish some old things and the new and get it out? Hey, maybe I'll even find some help out there...
My conflicts? Same as above. I care too much to hurt those I love. They may come across this or find it one day - but that is not my doing. Maybe I am in the wrong to hide my true fears, pains, emotions and hurt from them... But I will protect them always - as I would any friend or family member.
So; here I write and express freely. In truth I do not care what you think if you happen to read this because if you hate it - it's still not going to change what I have written or how I feel.
You are more than welcome to comment, but don't think of calling me a complainer - because all I am doing is expressing myself for once in my damn life!