Help..?

Life seems dull... and blank.

It's so full that I shut it out.

Ironic much?

Yeah.

Check out this... Usually when I shut off I need to get something out... so I started writing. This is all I could write before I got a headache I still have. Take a look:

Cold and miserable, I curl into myself.
Alone, I want to be
I don’t want to be alone.
I stare at the small blade in my hand–
Even it is warmer than I.

...I don't even think it makes sense... but it scares me because it's been a long time since I fell back to... well... that. Any ideas? Any help?

I seem to be able to help anyone who comes my way out of their holes... out of their depression, pain, sadness... anything... but when it comes to myself - no matter how deep down I think I know something, I can never seem to look after myself. Oh get this - the few times I have put aside time for myself? Something goes wrong. I won't be there the one time that someone needs me... and things have gone wrong. One friend tried to kill herself on a drug overdose... she was lucky the doctors got to her in time. Another left all together. Another stabbed herself three times in the stomach but luckily she managed to live...

HOW can anyone expect me to put myself first when things like this happen when I am not there? Yet my health continues to decline... I need to go back to the doctors but I've got no one to take me... My blood test results are probably irrelevant now anyway.

I know everyone is... but I'm searching for an exit. Not death, just an exit... but you can't run from life. You can't run from your problems... They're with you until you face them and overcome them... so someone PLEASE help me know how? I know some things were meant to be done alone... It doesn't mean I don't need help... and it doesn't mean I'm not still falling.

Falling. Falling...? Strange metaphor to use... it's what it feels like. Life is slowly draining away... and leaving a soul buried deep under a lot of shadows... a lot of memories... a lot of pain, rage, and sadness. "Everything will be ok." "It'll all be alright one day." "Things will get better." people say these words over and over.... but if they knew what I was going through, I think maybe they'd rethink, and give a more honest answer... whatever that may be.

Got Your Back,

So, it's been a while... if anyone reads this, how many of you thought I was dead? Haha. Sometimes I wish... It might make things easier you know. You know what though... somehow, something always stops me - there's always something worth living for and if there's not then strive for something. If you can't find anything turn around and look behind you - there's friends, family, and God. They've all got your back. That's why I'm still here...

If what you were living for is now gone... chances are they're still right there with you by your side, just not in a physical form. Being positive about life, changes your life... You think positive enough, you stand a chance against any odds - as long as you can tell yourself you can do it, you can. There's a quote I once heard... "Whatever you think you can or cannot do, you're right."

I'm going through real hard times at the moment, with a friend in hospital, my mum with a fractured spine, daily life in chaos, me now physically sick from all the emotional stress, my HSC year at school... but through it all, I know I will be ok for two reasons: God is with me, and because I believe it. Now I know it doesn't always work... but each time I fall I get back up. If nothing else that is what my previous posts prove.

So here I am in 2010 thinking of how much I hate this year... when really, I AM getting better slowly, I AM moving forwards - I'm taking those steps one by one... and even when I slip, sometimes falling right back to the bottom, I just pray to God to help me LIVE my life.

Bless you all.