Complaining Rant

( - get it out here to avoid it being to a person.)

i'm flat. just flat. meh. and cold to the point of numb. my body is saying "SLEEP PLEASE I BEG YOU" and my head says "TREASURE THE PEACE YOU CAN FIND AFTER EVERYONE'S ASLEEP!" thing is, i share a room with my sister, and tonight she's sick, so she's not well, and not sleeping....

I just feel like I need to cry. To curl up in a dark quiet place and be left alone. On the contrary I can picture a rather nice little pile of soft pillows with the warm sun shining down on them.... I'd love either. Really. As long as I could have some peace and quiet and time to myself. Here I am yet again, up late trying to find that quiet moment where the world seems to almost slide past leaving me just on the edge of it's river. Able to lie there.... for what purpose I don't know. Just space. Just that little bit where I can try not to worry about anything for a while.

I was told in my situation I am unable to be happy. I told that person, no. I can be happy. I have been. They told me it was fake. To please others. What a load of bull. But to a small degree, my happiness comes from helping, loving, and being happy with others... when I use too much energy, or I don't restock well enough, I burn out... I just need that space to myself and it's so fucking hard to find! ><

I miss my soul mate. My love. He's my everything... I want to be his everything. I really need his arms wrapped around me. I really need his warm touch against my icy skin... I really need him tonight. I haven't heard from him since about lunch time yesterday.. >< it may seem lame but, it hurts. Then I feel silly for being hurt because what should it matter? But it does. It hurts and I care about him so I worry. Is he okay? Does he miss me? Did he get the one millionth message saying 'I love you'? Will he sleep well? Will your goodnight message make him feel better? All these questions crowd my head uselessley causing my greif. How stupid! One day. No message. No 'I love you'... and it tips me over the edge huh? Well, I don't know why I can't control it - these feelings - but I know that if I don't just suck it up and get over it I'll never get to sleep.

All of a sudden the small thing that bothered me has become a big thing because of the fact I was already in this mood - it just needed some fuel on the fire. So to speak. It's windy as hell here. My hands are moving so slowly it's painful >< They're cold. My feet are numb. My neck and shoulders are stiff. I'm miserable.

This pain in my chest won't go away. It's telling me something's missing. I can't have it though. I have to wait. and wait. and wait. Sometimes I get it back... that other part of me... My love... Those times are the most relaxed, the most whole. But then we part again and it kills me every time. I love him so much. I want to be with him every moment of my life... Yet life - the real world doesn't accomodate just because you wish to be with who you love. Life says "GET THERE YOURSELF" and then has the nerve to make it as hard as possible. A slight exaggeration as my cold brain lacks the patience to think of a better line.

So this is just a rant. Me complaining about all the stuff that's too stupid to say to anyone. Me trying to calm down and go to sleep... Me... who's probably gonig to spend the next hour working out what to say to her love before she falls asleep... and hope that he knows she loves him. If on the very small chance he stumbled across this, maybe he'd know. ^^ That puts a half smile on my face... maybe he'd thing I was a soppy little silly girl who is too emotional >>; hahaha. Yeh nah. Maybe too clingy, or too in love.. but it's true. Or maybe he'd smile... and then kiss me gently and tell me I'm a goose, but that he loves me. ^^;

I have so much more to write... but my fingers are too cold. My brain too numb. My chest too sore... This ache hurts more >< I wasn't supposed to become more emotional - I was supposed to be calming down >>; I have work tomorrow, and I've not been sleeping well. Maybe I will write more often, and when I do, more deeply. Use this blog for it's purpose. To help me clear my head and get back up... well I didn't get back up... but it helped the pressure in my chest, and the emotions causing me so much turmoil.

I'll write again soon, I hope. I just need to go to bed and write that message so I might chance at sleep.

Read Me!

Well, I wanted to write an update. I know this place is only for my negative thoughts, and it seems to help... but when I go back and read what I've written, it's kinda depressing! True. Duh. Well, moving on.

A place for my negative thoughts. Shit happens in life. Like the HSC - the greatest metaphor I heard was that the HSC is a poo sandwich. You might not like it, but you still have to eat it, and so does everyone else (to whom it applies). Well. Life gives you shit, you just have to shovel through it and keep going. Life throws piles of it. Some is soft and easier to get through.. other times it's hard and unrelenting. (This is a rather disgusting metaphor, I know, but in truth, it's what it feels like when you're honest doesn't it...)

You have to take life for what it is. If you can't be positive, you at least need to accept it for what it is and make the most of it. What other way is there to live? PLENTY! Haha! But, this way works. You know it would. I know it should. Doing it on the other hand, isn't quite that easy... or is it? I've done it. I still do... but sometimes I slip and end up back here again... back in my depression hole, digging deeper and deeper until I feel like I never went anywhere. I put myself down. I see everything in a negative way. The world is against me all over again!

In the end though, you have to remember what is important to you. Why are you still here? Why live on? Because it's worth it. Every experience, whether good or bad, makes you who you are... For better or worse, you are who you are right now... and the first step to moving forwards is accepting that.

I think that's where I am. I am realising where I am at. REALLY at. Not the "oh woe me" or the "life is amazing"... but somewhere in there is me and all the shit I've been pushing away for years and years... and I'm going to start going through it. I'm going to start moving forwards. For MY life. For myself. But also for those I love, and those I hold closest to me.

So for those of you out there who this reaches I want you to hear me. Everyone's lives have different warm moments, and different hardships. Some may think their life is worse than others or vise versa; but in the end your life is your life, and your hard might be my easy, or my hell might be your worst nightmare... Take it for what it is, and accept it. Take a deep breath, smile a little, love, and simply make the most of what you have.


Now I feel like I'm being all phylosophical, but to be honest, I feel crap right now - So I'm writing this to myself as much as I am to others. Maybe now when I come back to read my blog, I won't need to post, because I'll read this and realise that I've already got the answer I need, right here. For a start anyways. :)

W.T.H.A.I?

I'm all dizzy on what? A 'splash' of brandy in milk. Tasted vile. Almost threw it up. Why'd I drink it? Because I wanted to feel better. Fuck that's a bad reason. I should have known that from last time. But someone told me it'd help me de-stress, so me, being the total idiot that I am, downed it as fast as I could handle. Had little to eat today. Couldn't find anything to eat - had some toast, cereal. Couldn't hold down much.

I'm scared. I'd never admit that but I can't be fucked not writing. I can't be fucked making a new blog that nobody reads. I guess I'm just counting on the fact that no one gives a shit to read this anyway.

My head feels like shit. I'm sure I'm going to throw up soon. I feel like dragging a knife across my skin. I feel like punching a wall in. Several of them. I feel like crying. I feel like none of this is me. I can see who I want to be, and it only makes me feel worse because I can't... I can't get there.

...disregard everything I said. I'm all dizzy. Probably tipsy. Not drunk. I just want to cry.. I want someone to hold me close and let my cry until I fall asleep, and stay with me.

This is my insecure inside. My broken soul. My shattered being... Who the hell am I!?