Keep Pushing Forwards...

People used to care genuinely for others.... Now it seems more like they barely even hear the answer - and they always expect it to be 'I'm good thanks' anyway. I see no point in talking to people anymore - not even friends... If they want to talk to me, sure, but in the end no one ever really wants to listen; they just see it as a "job" in a sense...

Besides, everyone's better off without me. If you look at the first few blogs I wrote and how calm my mind was... How much more sense I made... but not now aye - it's all over the place and just a random bunch of nothing. I've gotten worse by the day; my blogs prove that. I'm a mess and my friends deserve better.

I used to know what I wanted out of life - now there's little light left in this darkness BUT I tell you what? I'm still not giving up. I can't. There are people who need me to be there for them; so I will be there. I will remain as [the] ShadowAngel for those I love so long as they need me.

Nothing else matters. I don't know what else to say... My mood changed and that's just it - Nothing else matters... Just the next step... Just keep pushing forwards - towards that life I imagined that seems so far away... a distant dream I'll find eventually.

Understanding is Misunderstood.

Why don't I just GIVE UP. For crying out loud this is just stupid... I'm slowly killing myself anyway - and I find myself saying more and more frequently: "I just can't take much more of this..."

Well I can't. I'm just sitting here, staring at this stupid screen and wondering what the hell comes next. This WAS a place where I didn't have to worry about what I wrote or how I felt, and I guess I still write like it is... I do not write the way I used to, and I miss it - my poetic, simple but true to my emotions type of writing turned to this mess of my mind.

It's times like now I feel utterly alone and miserable... I need someone's shoulder to cry on type of mood I suppose but still pushing everyone away, even though I never really cry anyway. So what - I really don't care anymore? Nah, of course I do... The problem lies therein that I just cannot. There is too much to wrap my head around and too many different pains inside of me to deal with anymore...

I wrote that top half about an hour ago, and a friend randomly spoke to me before I could continue... If anything they reminded me that I am not alone, and that others have gone through similar pains... It's not about whether others feel pain, but more if they can come to UNDERSTAND each other and respect the hurts and be there for one another... This lesson... I already knew it but everyone needs to hear it everyday - understanding is something that is nearly always misunderstood.

...Feeling lost and alone, it's mainly caused by misunderstanding and having no one there that could even just help you through it. Who knows what the hell I'll do next... At least I can give trying to understand a shot and see where it takes me...

Sighs and Currents

*sighs a long tired sigh* ...I am sick of fighting. Life is like the ebbs and flows of the ocean currents - the tugs and pulls in all directions that do tend to have a natural path you do not see at first. For me, I wonder if I may ever actually find that path, or just the tugs and pulls and whispers of the oceans currents.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning out here - where's here? It's just a place, and I'm just numb. There's only one place I really want to be and I cannot... Even when I get to it doesn't seem to help =/ What the hell is wrong with me? Why isn't there some sort of diagnosis or SOMETHING? No one seems to really care - those I mean, that could do something about it: I.E. My doctor. She just says see a school councilor and rest. The school councilor (was my last option and sometimes it actually helps) tells me to sleep more and try not to help so many people...

I feel like with each sigh a little more life drains out of me as I sink deeper and deeper... Deciding whether I should let out my last breath and have a sense of peace, or to endure the many pains that tug and pull me through ocean currents that have a destination of their own that I cannot see... This is a dark place, and the only lights seem to be fading and flickering away... One by one... =( I do not like to be like this... relaxing and just letting these tugs and pulls take me where they will wouldn't work either...

So right now, it's just sighs and currents.

Survival?

Life's a F*** hole. But you have to make the most of it, right?
It's ironic that I almost completely know how to fix things to a point where life's "livable" but I can't be f***ed doing so... Because every time I get up and make a stand I'm pushed down again... I think I've mentioned this twice before by now but it's happened many more times than this.

I don't really know what else to do... I'm not saying I'm giving up - I've come to far to turn back now... It's just like the song lyrics below "Fight Inside" in my previous post... Any answers out there? Guess not aye... I just dunno which path to take because going up only brings me back down... but I've been to the bottom and I'm not going back. I want to fight, I want to shine, I want to rise... but everyone keeps taking that dare to "Break Me Down" so... I keep falling - maybe a little less each time but... It's time's like this where I could slice right through my skin and still not care. I'm more likely to say "bring it on" and do it again then regret it... Until the consequences occur when this "phase" is gone.

Why I'm so honest here in such a public place I do not know... I mean everyone has their own hell that they go through and everyone's "fall to the bottom" is different - on top of that everyone handles things differently... Maybe we're all looking for something we can't understand until it's found... if so, maybe that's why I write this - on the other hand I place myself in utter jeopardy at the same time... *shrugs* I had to let it out somewhere... and when you don't want the friends you trust the most who threaten you with mental homes getting frantic or those you love getting terrified at the idea of you just disappearing for a while and being free of everything... This is the one place I can go as just writing things down works, this works better.

Any comments I am glad to hear... would be interesting to know if anyone actually read this darn thing - but at least it helps calm the storms that rage inside of me always...

Guitar and Such..

...Just thought I'd comment - guitar helps... playing something that can both soothe and let out emotion can be very comforting... If i was allowed I'd own a drum kit but it's impossible at this stage for me to have one... So I got a guitar instead.

Sure I don't know much but you can find tabs or chords online and even lessons on you-tube if you want. It's frustrating when you can't play anything - but with patience you get better and it's good to take your mind off things. Pick a song you like that has acoustic guitar in it - and for those who may be ahead of me, even an electric guitar.

Soon enough I'll buy my own steel string guitar, then an electric OR a drum kit - depends where I'm at... but at the moment I'm happy with my nylon string guitar and the internet. Just wish I had a place my myself where I could play aye...

I finished grade 11!! Finally! Well... that's that out of the way - one year left. Year 12. This year besides my classes I hope to learn enough at the guitar that I can play a tune or two for my own songs and lyrics... We'll see ;)

Break Me Down - I dare you.

This song is just amazing, so I wanted to share it... It gives both hope and expresses pain...

"Break Me Down"

A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes

I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]

Break me!

"I want to fight, I want to shine, I want to rise, Break Me Down." Take your best shot.

Fight Inside

...I guess it's been a long while since I posted anything here, but I figured no one read it anyway so it wouldn't really matter. I suppose if anyone does read this I should give them hope and not be so depressing but this is a place where I express myself and how I feel... Right now this song comes pretty close to how I feel and what I'm going through... So, here:

"Fight Inside"

[VERSE 1]
Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end.
Knowing truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again.

What I fear and what I've tried,
Words I say and what I hide.
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again.

[CHORUS 1]
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again.

[VERSE 2]
I'm still the same, pursuing pain.
Is it worth all that I've gained?
We both know how this will end,
But I'd do it again.

[CHORUS 2]
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins.
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again.

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under.
And without You
The fight inside is breaking me again.

[BRIDGE]
(It's nothing.) It's everything.
(It's nothing.) It's everything.
(It's nothing.) It's everything.
(It's nothing.) It's everything.

[CHORUS 2]

It's breaking me.
It's breaking me.

I'm falling apart.
I'm falling apart.

So yeah.. there you have it I guess. This band runs hand in hand with Skillet and Breaking Benjamin and their music nearly all seems to be relevant.

Sick

Sick. Still. It's been 8months... I almost get better and them I'm sick again.

I don't get it! I take a lot of vitamins, water, medicine when I need it, and I get exercise when I can. Ever time I get close to being well again and start to feel better - I come down with something else.

*shrugs* I dunno what to do anymore. Prayed about it too. You can't do much more than just live through it and hope tomorrow will be a brighter day. Hopes are crushed day in, day out. Can't give up though can you? I've gotten this far, I'm not about to give up.

Just gets hard when you're on your own. Parents care, yes, but it's my friends I need by my side and they don't seem to want to be around much anymore, it's always the case though - I should be used to that by now.

*sighs* Oh well. Onwards and upwards right? I'll just keep hoping I get at least well enough to go back to school before too long or I will really fall behind again. :S Next year is my HSC - what am I going to do then!?

Finished.

That's it. I'm done.

I can't do this anymore.. It just doesn't feel right anymore.

I'm sick all the time - always.

Everything feels messed up and no matter how hard i try to keep everyone around me out of my pain, they seek to help and it's just hurting everyone...

I don't want to feel the pain anymore - it used to remind me why i fight - but now I'm almost so used to it that I don't even feel it. I suppress it inside and only see a glimmer of it before it's hidden.

I don't want anyone to be around when it ruptures and explodes from within me... Those I love the most are the one's who are in most danger - last time it just 'leaked' a little.. I managed to hold it in until i was alone and take it out on myself... But that doesn't work when the anger doesn't even reach you anymore.

There's just this part of me.. this thing inside me that's taunting me. I have gone through what seems so much pain that i don't even feel it anymore - i just see it inside me before it gets tucked away... I don't know how long it's all going to hold there. Once, when it leaked just a little i managed to hold it in until i was alone before i hurt anyone - then it was only myself i could harm and i still have the scars to prove it. Knowing how angry and sickeningly painful and all those emotions will become I'm finding it harder and harder to see things in a positive way... It scares me - I scare myself. I don't even know what I'm on about anymore. I don't even know why I do this - blogging.

Tired but Happy

That's just it! I'm still sick.. I'm EXHAUSTED.. but i'm somewhat happy within.

My friends have been so amazingly supportive, I don't know what I'd do without them...
I've been from staying in bed all day every day for a week, to being out everyday all day this week seeing my friends - and that special someone. ;)

They have all made me feel like life is worth living, at least for now. I've got my feet on a wobbly ground - but at least I found one right?

Darn.. mum wants my help again - got to go :( finish this later.

Sand

...I haven't posted anything in a while now.
There's been so much going on that I just got to the stage of doing nothing - because doing anything made me angry or upset.
Can't handle much at the moment.. feels stupid aye.
I have an ear infection and a fever - seems I'm managing to keep up my streak of being sick for the year too.
Friends seem to disappear by the day too... I feel like they are just falling through my fingers like sand and disappearing, even though they're still there... they just don't really feel like it.
I have no idea what to say except that I'm miserable and I don't care about anything at the moment... whatever I seem to put my heart into seems to become impossible to do or get near... so maybe I just need to stop and walk away.. let myself be the sand that's just falling through their fingers.

"Go Away, you insensitive power driven Fkrs."

Just when I thought things were getting better. AGAIN.
You have no idea how hard it is to stand up and be strong when you keep getting pushed down.
I have been told that I have been through so much that I don't deserve any of this... but shit keeps happening to push me down, and I get back up... but each time it's harder to get up again, until I'm sitting here going "Why the hell should I get up?" because of those I love and care for. If nothing else, I want to be there for them.

They fired my dad. Been a long battle but I finally thought they would let him stay... He does so much good for our school. Our school is the only school out of 8 that i have been to that really cares about the students. It's like a huge family - my sister is going to her teachers wedding reception, some of my friends hang out on Saturdays with them... My dad? He changed so many kids lives for the better and now they go and fire him because they just don't like him. He turned the most difficult kids in to one's that love to be here.. he had so many great ideas he brought in to the school and made things so much better in every way he could.

My dad called me to tell me today, and the reason I was given: "They don't want me to teach there anymore.." and that's it! If you can fire someone just because you "don't like them" it's a childish and RIDICULOUSLY fuckin' stupid concept.

When I'm angry, I don't care what happens to me anymore. Right now I'm angry and I feel like going and killing those resonsible for doing something so self-centered and pig-headed. I know I won't because it would be stupid and other people in their power would just use it to hurt others... For the sake of those I love, I stay quiet and keep it all inside. For those I love, I live on.

I have nothing left to fight on besides that.. Faith in others - to love and care for them.
...So that's what I'll do I guess.

So true..

...that hit home. More or less..

The Last Night
~Skillet

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you, they don't know you at all
I'm
so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be
The last night away from me

[Bridge:]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on Tonight
Tonight

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be

[Altro:]
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

Coming Down - Skillet (Lyrics)

"Coming Down"
Things are coming down
Things are coming down I can tell you
Beautiful the sound
Of things coming 'cause I heard him say

Division is coming down
I saw peace on a white horse riding
Love is spreading around
The most contagious disease we've ever known

I will drink from the well of the One who gives me life
I will eat of the bread of the One sacrifice
I will breathe of the breath of the body of God
I will dive to the depths and raise a new man

Racism is coming down
Not from law but a change in perception
Revival's spreading around
I hear the sound of reapers already say

I will drink from the well of the One who gives me life
I will eat of the bread of the One sacrifice
I will breathe of the breath of the body of God
I will dive to the depths and raise a new man

Our knees are going down
To the One who brings far to my every bone
His Kingdom's reigning down
Who can stop the plans of the Lord I say

I will drink from the well of the One who gives me life
I will eat of the bread of the One sacrifice
I will breathe of the breath of the body of God
I will dive to the depths and raise a new man

This song.. really comforts me, in a way that I can sit here and know that Christ is taking care of me... and that even though times are tough and it is hard to get through each day, He's right here by my side and knocking on the door I only have to open and you know what? I'm keeping it open. =) He has given me friends, he has showed me so much love... How could I have ever doubted Him?

Stuff it.

You know what? I've had it. I can't take anymore. I know how terrible I will feel but I have had enough. I can't do it anymore... I want to leave school.

Sure, I want to pass my HSC. Sure I really want to go to Uni. I want to be a published author, and a proffessional photographer, a singer who writes my own songs too!

But how the hell am I going to cope with those if I can't cope with school... stupid F'n school.

I have nothing more to write... my mood changed and yeah I'm over it. Life's shit but i'll get through it somehow. I hope.

I Will Be Strong =)

(New International Version)
Ephesians 6: 10-20
The Armor of God

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Flat (or, My Wall.)

It's all flat. Calm as the sea after a huge storm... so flat you can see your own reflection like a perfect mirrored image. The wall stands firm and I lay flat... floating as an autumn leaf might - gently from the tree. I'm leaving home behind, in a mental sense, as I have been over the months, and finally I think I'm getting there... to the point that I can stand. To the point where I look down and see, that the ocean roaring around me - is not a storm, but silent and calm; and I am in control. But outside that wall that I have built is all those storms in one, and I know one day that my calm will break... and I could drown in all those memories. They are not forgotten as I stare out and remember them sometimes... occasionally I poke a hole in the wall, and let some pain back in. It's just to remind me not to fall. My wall is around me, it's clear and it's strong. It's all my strength - built from all those I love and nothing else. Sometimes people tear my wall apart... my bubble of protection. They catch me off guard in the blind spot I always miss - and one day that might even be my downfall... but today? Today, is flat. My boat stands still and I am quiet as I absorb in the little peace of mind I have managed to find today.

Wanting to Die? Waiting to Live...

Wanting to die, waiting to live. Finding the light but searching the dark. I look for the meanings but all I find is more pain - and what comes next? I only wish for the rain. The hurt, the sadness.. the sickness and the stress.. the nights of horrors and days of endless grey. Life seems depressing at first, but add in stress and you find another twist of pains, worry and conflicts. What about anxiety? Got that too.. that nervous tremor that goes through my whole body uncontrollably until I regain a calm stead. So I sit here shaking, tears that randomly spasm into life and then disappear again, and the thoughts in my head get more and more messed up as they chase each other around and around and around...

Life seems good.. I heal and get happier and then it all just disappears again and it leaves me wondering: Why am I still here? Why can't I get out of this fog to see the stars? What more do I have to learn before I can be free of this torment and pain!?

I am a Christian and I stay strong in my faith when I say that God is the only reason I am still here today. Sometimes I do wonder though what he has in store for me... I strive for those things I am good at but never seem to get anywhere... I am stuck in this hole with no hooks to grab or holds to find my footing on. There seems no way out yet so many wonderful people reach their hands down to help me out. Thing is that I can't put my hand up... The resistance in me keeps saying "NO! Don't give in you can do this yourself! You don't want to be happy anyway do you!"

Life seems unfair, but no one said it wouldn't be. Friends seem amazing - and my true friends really are! Love seems to hold me - and it's never letting go. But death, pain and sorrow? Try to rule me, but I just have to remember one thing: I am in Control.

Reasons and Conflicts

So, this is my first post. My reasons? Writing is my outlet... I don't want to hurt those close to me with them, so I figure: Why not make a blog after all this time, publish some old things and the new and get it out? Hey, maybe I'll even find some help out there...
My conflicts? Same as above. I care too much to hurt those I love. They may come across this or find it one day - but that is not my doing. Maybe I am in the wrong to hide my true fears, pains, emotions and hurt from them... But I will protect them always - as I would any friend or family member.
So; here I write and express freely. In truth I do not care what you think if you happen to read this because if you hate it - it's still not going to change what I have written or how I feel.
You are more than welcome to comment, but don't think of calling me a complainer - because all I am doing is expressing myself for once in my damn life!