Wanting to Die? Waiting to Live...

Wanting to die, waiting to live. Finding the light but searching the dark. I look for the meanings but all I find is more pain - and what comes next? I only wish for the rain. The hurt, the sadness.. the sickness and the stress.. the nights of horrors and days of endless grey. Life seems depressing at first, but add in stress and you find another twist of pains, worry and conflicts. What about anxiety? Got that too.. that nervous tremor that goes through my whole body uncontrollably until I regain a calm stead. So I sit here shaking, tears that randomly spasm into life and then disappear again, and the thoughts in my head get more and more messed up as they chase each other around and around and around...

Life seems good.. I heal and get happier and then it all just disappears again and it leaves me wondering: Why am I still here? Why can't I get out of this fog to see the stars? What more do I have to learn before I can be free of this torment and pain!?

I am a Christian and I stay strong in my faith when I say that God is the only reason I am still here today. Sometimes I do wonder though what he has in store for me... I strive for those things I am good at but never seem to get anywhere... I am stuck in this hole with no hooks to grab or holds to find my footing on. There seems no way out yet so many wonderful people reach their hands down to help me out. Thing is that I can't put my hand up... The resistance in me keeps saying "NO! Don't give in you can do this yourself! You don't want to be happy anyway do you!"

Life seems unfair, but no one said it wouldn't be. Friends seem amazing - and my true friends really are! Love seems to hold me - and it's never letting go. But death, pain and sorrow? Try to rule me, but I just have to remember one thing: I am in Control.