Survival?

Life's a F*** hole. But you have to make the most of it, right?
It's ironic that I almost completely know how to fix things to a point where life's "livable" but I can't be f***ed doing so... Because every time I get up and make a stand I'm pushed down again... I think I've mentioned this twice before by now but it's happened many more times than this.

I don't really know what else to do... I'm not saying I'm giving up - I've come to far to turn back now... It's just like the song lyrics below "Fight Inside" in my previous post... Any answers out there? Guess not aye... I just dunno which path to take because going up only brings me back down... but I've been to the bottom and I'm not going back. I want to fight, I want to shine, I want to rise... but everyone keeps taking that dare to "Break Me Down" so... I keep falling - maybe a little less each time but... It's time's like this where I could slice right through my skin and still not care. I'm more likely to say "bring it on" and do it again then regret it... Until the consequences occur when this "phase" is gone.

Why I'm so honest here in such a public place I do not know... I mean everyone has their own hell that they go through and everyone's "fall to the bottom" is different - on top of that everyone handles things differently... Maybe we're all looking for something we can't understand until it's found... if so, maybe that's why I write this - on the other hand I place myself in utter jeopardy at the same time... *shrugs* I had to let it out somewhere... and when you don't want the friends you trust the most who threaten you with mental homes getting frantic or those you love getting terrified at the idea of you just disappearing for a while and being free of everything... This is the one place I can go as just writing things down works, this works better.

Any comments I am glad to hear... would be interesting to know if anyone actually read this darn thing - but at least it helps calm the storms that rage inside of me always...