I'm all dizzy on what? A 'splash' of brandy in milk. Tasted vile. Almost threw it up. Why'd I drink it? Because I wanted to feel better. Fuck that's a bad reason. I should have known that from last time. But someone told me it'd help me de-stress, so me, being the total idiot that I am, downed it as fast as I could handle. Had little to eat today. Couldn't find anything to eat - had some toast, cereal. Couldn't hold down much.
I'm scared. I'd never admit that but I can't be fucked not writing. I can't be fucked making a new blog that nobody reads. I guess I'm just counting on the fact that no one gives a shit to read this anyway.
My head feels like shit. I'm sure I'm going to throw up soon. I feel like dragging a knife across my skin. I feel like punching a wall in. Several of them. I feel like crying. I feel like none of this is me. I can see who I want to be, and it only makes me feel worse because I can't... I can't get there.
...disregard everything I said. I'm all dizzy. Probably tipsy. Not drunk. I just want to cry.. I want someone to hold me close and let my cry until I fall asleep, and stay with me.
This is my insecure inside. My broken soul. My shattered being... Who the hell am I!?
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You are who you want to be.
ReplyDeleteAngel,
DeleteSitting here now, in April 2012, I have found your message. I don't remember ever reading it before, or replying, or even if I know you.
What I do know is that you're right. I am who ever I choose to be. I still haven't figured out what's wrong with my head, but I have the power to choose what I do and be who I want. Sometimes it causes strife, and I still have to hide me. In fact a lot of the time I have to hide being who I want, but it makes me part of who I am... and the fact that you read this, and replied?
Today, you made a difference. Thank you :)